The Rest of his Life Will be Meaningless in Comparison.
By Mr. Grebey ‘12
TOO AWESOME A TIME BRO DEPT.
(MILBANK 44) Tim Gribble ’13 attended a Milbank party last weekend and drunkenly shouted that he “had the best time of [his] life!” He was unaware of the truth of that statement.
The party started out as a pre-game session, but quickly became what campus safety classifies as “a class-A rager.” Gribble reportedly got the perfect level of drunk, ran the beruit table, was the life of the party, and doomed the rest of his life to miserable mediocrity in comparison.
Tim’s girlfriend, Heather Wilson ’13, noticed a change in Tim’s behavior. “He’s not interested in anything anymore. Last time we tried to bang, he looked at me for a few seconds, and then mumbled about when everyone got naked at the party.”
Friends of Gribble were worried he would end up like others who have peaked in college. Josh Connors ’09 was a football star whose life lost all meaning after he graduated. Given that he was a “star” in a bad Division III program this example is especially depressing.
Other friends tried to talk sense into Gribble.
“Listen, college is awesome,” Liz Roberts ’11 commented, “but you can’t peak in college. You’re supposed to go out into the real world and do bigger and better things, otherwise you’re going to end up like that guy who still runs trivia night for the school, and that’s just sad.”
But they worked to no avail: Gribble no longer sees any beauty in a sunset.
In fact, ten years from now, when Gribble holds his newborn child for the first time, he will be unable to muster up any joy, having exhausted that emotion after he made that double overtime behind-the-back shot to win at beruit.